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expectations
August 2007 
Resistance In Transition
Posted on Mar 20th, 2007
by 
Doctor Jones
Doctor Jones
Lately I've been noticing what things/places/people "shut me down". It's very interesting. I can read strangers much easier than those that I'm "close" with. It's an odd experience, one that I wasn't so acutely aware of before. It seems difficult to not simply fall back into the patterns already established with people/places, even though those patterns are most disagreeable to me now. They were "safe" and comforting before, now I find these patterns to be a bit irritating.
I've noticed this sort of thing before too; I find myself to be so different from who/what I was that I don't understand how I could have even functioned in the old construct/concept of self and the world at large (“reality”). Those that knew the previous concept of me are now confused, because I'm just not quite the same. That expectation placed on me (whether only perceived by me or “real” -- what's the difference right?) makes me more inclined to meet the expectation rather than to break free of such nonsense. I find myself far less a slave to expectations, but it still seems to be oddly part of the equation. With friends, of course... I'm not really all that different so it makes those familiar paths all the easier to travel.
This sort of thinking certainly makes a radical shift in where/who I interact with very tempting as it would, according to my perception, help bring about the full and complete change that I'd like to see within myself, rather than getting stuck somewhere in in-between land. It seems easier to embark on a new journey in a new place with new people than to deny those that knew me as I was. Why should I feel the pressure of the expectations of who/what I used to think I was? Is this a factor of why change is difficult to accomplish & embrace?
The path of least resistance appears to be stagnation; to not change, to not show any evidence of change, but that's unacceptable. I am a changing, evolving creature, I reject stagnation for the shallow purpose of fulfilling others' expectations. How warped is the idea to submit to expectations that aren't likely real?
Some time ago (~3 years) I found this thought to be rather amusing:
He was disappointed, when he emerged from his cocoon, to discover that he was a moth.
I sometimes get the feeling that I need a bit more time in the cocoon in order to come back to all that I thought I knew afresh without falling back into the same habits and patterns that have been cemented over a lifetime (well, maybe not entirely... I'm not a stranger to such transitions). It seems I've gained what I can gain for now from here... learned what I needed and it feels like time to reinvent myself again, keeping the best and tossing the rest. It feels like time to move on, so I'll be listening... listening for clues as to what is the best way to accomplish such a feat.
I feel the need to tidy up things here a bit rather than leaving them in a mess... I'm not sure how fun this will be, but... it's not always about fun... I know that having some things wrapped up here would help to facilitate a fresh start. It's much harder than it would initially seem, to be faced with such boundless freedom.
I've noticed this sort of thing before too; I find myself to be so different from who/what I was that I don't understand how I could have even functioned in the old construct/concept of self and the world at large (“reality”). Those that knew the previous concept of me are now confused, because I'm just not quite the same. That expectation placed on me (whether only perceived by me or “real” -- what's the difference right?) makes me more inclined to meet the expectation rather than to break free of such nonsense. I find myself far less a slave to expectations, but it still seems to be oddly part of the equation. With friends, of course... I'm not really all that different so it makes those familiar paths all the easier to travel.
This sort of thinking certainly makes a radical shift in where/who I interact with very tempting as it would, according to my perception, help bring about the full and complete change that I'd like to see within myself, rather than getting stuck somewhere in in-between land. It seems easier to embark on a new journey in a new place with new people than to deny those that knew me as I was. Why should I feel the pressure of the expectations of who/what I used to think I was? Is this a factor of why change is difficult to accomplish & embrace?
The path of least resistance appears to be stagnation; to not change, to not show any evidence of change, but that's unacceptable. I am a changing, evolving creature, I reject stagnation for the shallow purpose of fulfilling others' expectations. How warped is the idea to submit to expectations that aren't likely real?
Some time ago (~3 years) I found this thought to be rather amusing:
He was disappointed, when he emerged from his cocoon, to discover that he was a moth.
I sometimes get the feeling that I need a bit more time in the cocoon in order to come back to all that I thought I knew afresh without falling back into the same habits and patterns that have been cemented over a lifetime (well, maybe not entirely... I'm not a stranger to such transitions). It seems I've gained what I can gain for now from here... learned what I needed and it feels like time to reinvent myself again, keeping the best and tossing the rest. It feels like time to move on, so I'll be listening... listening for clues as to what is the best way to accomplish such a feat.
I feel the need to tidy up things here a bit rather than leaving them in a mess... I'm not sure how fun this will be, but... it's not always about fun... I know that having some things wrapped up here would help to facilitate a fresh start. It's much harder than it would initially seem, to be faced with such boundless freedom.
Access: Public
After reading this blog I feel like my head's going to explode. *getting my zen stick out* Two things: who is the “you” who is doing all this thinking? and – don't forget to go outside.
If you are meant to make a physical shift in addition to the spiritual/soul-level-I-I shift you've experienced, it will become clear to you. In fact, it will likely become absolutely irresistible. Don't fret…. just get outside and listen. Live. Breathe. It's a good day to practice. Go do some fish training. Take a hike. Feel the sun, listen to the birds, get the heck out of The Valley for a bit into the quiet. I highly recommend Towsley Canyon. :)
I'm no stranger to the Phoenix Phenomenon… it always hurts the most right before the burn, remember?
Thought from Maria: Does he know that he can't save them all?
My continuation of her thought:
Sometimes it is enough to simply acknowledge that you can do nothing, and walk away. Noone can be yanked into enlightenment; they have to want to go there, themselves. It is not your responsibility to decipher your new animal shape for those who do not understand. Just let it be what it is. I know it feels strange- you may even experience guilt over having made the leap you've made when some are so obviously stuck– if so, you need to let that crap go. That's all it is, crap. Either those you feel you have a responsibility toward will shift, or they will not. And yes, I think it's pretty fucked up to expect people you say you love to stay in a place of stagnation for one's own personal comfort…. it's amazing how many funhouse mirrors the ego can provide, No?